Unless that's a video on how to sing "Ave Maria," turn it off.
We have two months until regionals
and we need to sound better than the Louisville power churches.
A grim sentence that perfectly encapsulates
how far I've fallen.
We're waiting for the Perpetual Praise commercial.
Oh, it's on!
I bet I can jump over that waterfall.
Imagine a place where faith meets strength
and where strength lies within each and every one of you,
God's children.
That place is now a reality.
Here at the Church of Perpetual Praise...
Do they have real baristas?
We serve you and God, but not in that order.
Our choir humbly spreads God's love
and brings home the hardware.
♪ Ooh, don't you know we're amazing, yeah ♪
As recognized by J.D. Power and Associates
for the third year in a...
They are the Death Star of choirs.
Death Stars is what they call their members who pass on,
so that's nice.
Is there like a barista college?
Is no one else rattled by this?
There's no way they sound that good live.
They clearly auto tune themselves to sound...
♪ Amazing ♪
Let's go check them out in person.
I do have a dress that's too nice to wear here.
They are our competition.
Let's do some recon on the enemy.
Or we could stop worrying
about what everybody else thinks
and focus on being good ourselves instead of spying.
Ginny, I swear to God,
if you rip this cool mission away from me...
- What? - Hey, buddy.
Wayne.
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
- No. - If we are gonna spy
on Perpetual Praise, then let's do it in style.
Before today, only two patterns
had never touched my skin.
Now all that's left is tie-dye.
- There she is! - Oh!
Uh, what are you doing here, Kimmy Bell?
I have the best news.
I'm moving my salon next door.
That's great.
Oh, that is so great!
I bought the space that was formerly
PJ's Beepers and Corded Phones.
PJ held out as long as he could.
So I was thinking as neighbors
and female business owners,
maybe we could do a little cross-promotion.
Adams, a word.
You have a full head of hair.
How have we not met?
"Kimmy Bell. Now doing men!"
There's no better way to phrase that.
Okay, you have pull at the Chamber of Commerce, right?
So you can stop her from moving in or, you know,
you could, um... You could have her killed.
I am not gonna blow that favor on Kimmy Bell.
- You get one. - Oh, gosh!
She just loves messing with my head!
You're being paranoid.
So now you're taking her side?
Kimmy is just a fellow business owner.
You are my girl
and the only person I trust to manage my facial hair
if I am ever in a coma.
I will not let one whisker go unplucked.
I know you won't.
♪ Baby, baby the stars are shining for you ♪
♪ And just like me I'm sure that they adore you ♪
They're good in a way that upsets me,
like Taylor Swift.
They are good,
for the corniest people I've ever seen.
This place is huge.
It actually makes Dwayne look proportional.
- They even have a Jumbotron. - It's called a PraiseCam.
They also shoot in IMAX.
♪ Oh yeah ♪
How do you know so much about this church?
It's my family's church.
My dad and sisters still come here every week.
Dwayne's sisters used to beat the crap out of us
when we played WWF in the backyard.
That's what made Dwayne so strong.
Oh, I'm the black sheep of the family.
You know, I kinda went down my own path in high school.
What was it? Sex, drugs?
Are you about to become more interesting to me?
Pacifism on the road to vegetarianism.
No.
♪ I'm glad you're mine ♪
Whoo! Whoo!
Now that was "Baby Baby" by Miss Amy Grant,
the Christian star turned pop sensation.
They told her, "If you want to cross over,
you can't take the cross over."
Oh, Jesus.
Well, well.
We are blessed to have some special guests joining us.
Our friends, the Second First choir.
Now, uh, that is not the grandpa from the movie "Up."
That grumpy widower is their choir director,
Arthur Cochran, who has chosen
to spend his twilight years here.
Twi... he said twilight years?
This is 'cause you wouldn't wear the hat,
Professor Obvious.
You know, I don't... I don't wanna put you on the spot,
but would you like to bring your Bad Noise Bears
back here next week to perform?
Don't do it. It's a trap.
Oh, please.
I'm not that easily manipulated.
I know it's a lot of pressure filling this big space
with your little choir.
What do you say?
I say see you next Sunday!
Also, why don't you use some
of this tax-exempt money for the poor?
Now, we have another beautiful song from our choir.
Way to not be manipulated.
And also with you.
What are you thinking?
We can't follow that choir.
They're like a Super Bowl halftime show
and we're like the weird guy who sings while he sells peanuts.
Magnus challenged me.
I will not be bullied by that mega church mega jerk.
It's okay. We will rise to the occasion.
My solo in "Ave Maria" is sounding pretty al dente.
That means good, right?
It means slightly undercooked.
We have to step up our game.
Guys, this kiosk can do everything.
Uh, make a donation,
uh, reserve a spot at the water slide,
uh, order a latte.
You can choose from three different sizes;
Father, Son, and the Holy Grande.
He called me grandpa.
I mean, I know my hair's white and movies are cheaper now,
but I'm not that old, am I?
I wouldn't say old.
Maybe slightly overcooked.
- Thinking one of these. - Uh...
Riley, Sutton, Pop.
Dwayne. Surprise, surprise.
You coming back to real church,
or are you still in your rebellious phase?
I... it's been 20 years, so...
Still don't eat meat.
Was that a question?
It's a question of your principles.
This family was built on beef.
Wayne, haven't seen you since
we broke your collarbone playing roof ball.
Yeah? Well, I'm a grown man now.
Hmm!
Anyway, I'm glad y'all are gonna get
to hear the big boy sing on Sunday.
We may not be here next Sunday.
There's a big, uh, beef event.
But you guys are here every week.
Exactly, and we hate to have to stop coming here
- because we're... - Because you're embarrassed.
Our responsibility is to the beef.
Their loss, bro.
What's a beef event?
So, you wanna go for a younger look.
Well, I didn't say that.
Well, in my experience, when a man of a certain age
uses words like fade or hip or Jude Law,
it means they want to shave off some years.
Okay, sure. Fair enough.
You really want to shave off some years,
you should shave off those cuticles.
Belinda Sue, it's called Nail Corner,
not Nail Talking To My Customers.
- Are you a "Beethoven's ninth" fan? - Guilty.
My folks are big Deutschophiles.
It's all we listened to growing up
was classical music.
That is wildly unexpected.
What did they do for a liv...
My daddy hauls hay and my mom
does marketing for suntan lotion.
Rev, did you make one of those
Perpetual Praise electronic kiosks?
Thanks to a very special donation from a man
who left his wallet here and then died,
I present the Second First prayer hotline.
Sick. Blue.
- Oh, is that Jude Law? - What?
Guilty.
Kids, remember when we were worried that we might
not sound good enough?
And then we decided that if we all work together,
and we believed in each other, we'd be true winners?
Yeah, none of that.
I found a perfect way to enhance our sound.
May I present...
- Surprise! - Surprise.
Kimmy! Oh, my God, this is amazing!
I love your denim-on-denim.
It's just like Britney and Justin
MTV Movie Awards circa 2001. Arthur, a word?
Okay.
I know you want the choir to be good,
but Kimmy is poison,
so it's either me or her.
Unless you choose her, then it will also be me,
but I will not be happy about it.
I usually don't ask questions like this,
and I'm sure I'm gonna regret it, but why?
The summer before seventh grade,
I went away to Christian wilderness camp,
and then I came back and there was a rumor
that turned all my friends against me,
and I'm sure that Kimmy started it.
- What was the rumor? - They called me...
- Ginnorrhea. - Uh-huh.
And then it spread like...
- Oh. - Well, you know.
- Yeah, sure. - Yeah.
Well, you know for a fact that it was Kimmy?
It had to be!
Oh, she was the only one with premium cable.
Well, that's pretty flimsy evidence,
but you feel about Kimmy the way I feel about Magnus.
Mm-hmm, like you just wanna take her face,
smash it into a pile of poo,
and have her scream for her mama.
Wow. No.
But sadly for you, I need to use your rival
to crush my rival.
No, come on. Every time I see her face,
it's like I'm coming back from camp
and I see my dad in the driveway
with our family doctor.
It sounds like you have PTSD.
Well, thank you for not saying PTSTD.
Only because I didn't think of it.
Kimmy made biscuits!
Ah, how sweet!
Not too sweet, I hope. I used agave.
That's so funny that you made biscuits
when that's your specialty, Gin.
That is funny.
Don't worry. I didn't eat any.
I love you so much.
All right, let us get Kimmy up to speed.
We're doing Schubert's "Ave Maria."
Oh, yeah, I think I know that one.
Remind me... key B-flat.
♪ Ave ♪
♪ Maria ♪
♪ Gratia plena ♪
Or something like that.
Too bad Ginny has the solo.
Had solo. It's nothing personal.
Kimmy, your voice is... it's... It's so pure and true,
like the sword I'm gonna stab into Magnus' heart.
It's okay.
Sometimes you have to stab somebody in the heart.
Man, I wish my family was gonna be there to hear us.
Then tell them to come. Look them in the eye,
stick out that 53-inch chest of yours,
and demand they take you seriously.
Sorry... sorry to bother you.
Uh, if I'm interrupting, uh, I can come back.
No, you just missed it.
Daddy had some ham steaks on the Panini grill for hours.
I still don't eat meat.
Also, that has to be so dry.
- Did you ever think that... - Perpetual.
- Uh... - Praise!
Look, I didn't complain when you cropped me out
of the family Christmas card,
or when you sold my plot in the family cemetery
to that derby horse that had to get put down.
- I loved that horse. - Yeah, I did, too.
But?
But I expect you to be there to watch me sing on Sunday.
And wear a belt,
because we're gonna blow your pants off.
Whoo!
Check you out! Looking good!
You know, we could try some color for the performance.
Sprinkle in some pepper in that salt.
That would stick it to Magnus even more
since I still famously have hair to "dye" for.
What?
Does everyone smell biscuits or am I having a stroke?
Only a stroke of brilliance,
'cause I brought biscuits!
Oh, geez.
I'm sort of biscuited out from Kimmy's.
Oh, that's okay.
I hope you're not mad I took your solo.
I hate when things are based on merit.
Oh, no. Whatever's best for the choir.
Mm. Mmm.
Mm.
Could you get me some water?
Of course you can!
You're so good at doing that at the diner.
Okay, I know it's not right, but I hate her.
She always has to outshine me,
like that time that she wore a really tight dress
to my wedding to show that she wasn't pregnant,
and I know that's not a reason to serve her doody water,
but this is what I always do.
I just take it and I take it and I take it,
and then I just explode!
I followed you into a bathroom
and somehow you're the creepy one.
You need to dump that back in the toilet.
Look, Kimmy is good for the choir,
and unlike you, she's not rehashing some...
Southern gothic teenage rivalry.
I think this whole thing is in your head.
Thanks for taking my side.
Which is why most CEOs are sociopaths.
Oh, Kimmy, despite having the name of a supermarket doll,
you are a breath of fresh air.
I don't know why Ginny thinks you guys are rivals.
Oh, it's sad.
I mean, does UK really consider Eastern Kentucky its rival?
I'm UK, for the record.
Actually, Eastern's looking pretty good this year.
Belinda Sue! You're looking pretty today.
Let's leave it at that.
I don't know why.
Ginny has always been jealous of me.
It is classic Ginnorrhea. That's her nickname.
Gonorrhea, not diarrhea.
She's just notoriously been constipated.
But that's a nickname you...
You heard from someone else, right?
Nope, all me. Like my mama said,
I always had a way with words.
And Daddy's bosses.
Okay, but it's... it's just a nickname.
It's... it's... it's... it's all in good fun, right?
For me, not for her.
No round of antibiotics can get rid of that one.
Just last year she was blackballed
by the Junior League.
Your voice is as beautiful as your soul is evil.
Which is why it kills me to tell you that you are fired
from my choir. You are out.
Okay. I'll just finish up here.
- The performance is canceled. - Why?
I hate to say it,
but do you know what would look good with that?
- Hmm? - Tie-dye.
Do you have a camouflage pillow
I could smother myself with?
Thank you for standing up for me with Kimmy.
I hope it was worth it, 'cause this dye
is not coming out by tomorrow.
I can hear you smiling behind me.
I mean, it's not every day you get
to meet one of the troll dolls.
It's just as well.
I feel too guilty to sing anyway.
Good. I never want to step foot
in that place again... it stirs up deadly sin number six.
Envy!
Does no one use the flash cards I gave you?
I don't care if y'all aren't coming
'cause you're vain about your hair
or your old, dirty church
or the fact that you almost legit poisoned somebody.
Did you ever give me doody water?
- Uh... - Doesn't matter,
... because Dwayne is singing in front of his family
and I ain't gonna let him do that alone.
- I love you, brother. - Oh, all right.
I'm going, too.
This isn't gonna be one of those things
where everyone dramatically stands...
Me, too.
- Me, too. - Me, too.
It'll be nice to get out of the house!
And I'm also Spartacus,
from the film, "Their Names Aren't All Spartacus
But What A Nice Gesture!"
I'll go if you go. Solidarity?
Well, we don't have a song since we lost Kimmy,
and I look like the worst-tasting Starburst.
So sure, why not lose the last shred of my dignity?
Hey, if you're worried about filling out the space,
I know a guy who can step up and knock your pants off
- with a solo. - Hmm.
Now you can put away those hateful looks.
- I'm not talking about me. - Oh!
Part of being blessed by God is sharing that bounty
with the less fortunate.
Please welcome the Second First Church choir
and their director Mr. Arthur Cochran.
Gotcha.
♪ You shout it out ♪
♪ But I can't hear a word you say ♪
♪ I'm talking loud not saying much ♪
♪ I'm criticized ♪
♪ But all your bullets ricochet ♪
♪ You shoot me down but I get up ♪
♪ I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose ♪
♪ Fire away fire away ♪
♪ Ricochet, you take your aim ♪
♪ Fire away fire away ♪
♪ You shoot me down but I won't fall ♪
♪ I am titanium ♪
♪ You shoot me down but I won't fall ♪
♪ But I won't fall ♪
♪ I'm titanium ♪
- ♪ You shoot me down but I won't fall ♪ - ♪ Shoot me down, but I won't fall ♪
♪ I'm titanium ♪
♪ Shoot me down but I won't fall ♪
♪ I am titanium ♪
Whoo!
Second First Church.
We're weird, we can't afford a commercial,
but we'd love to have you.
Okay, let's, uh, open up our hymnal apps to page 354.
Hey, Magnus.
Let's, uh, channel this positive energy
into the collection basket, shall we?
What a fun performance!
Bet you're wondering why I'm here.
- You joined the Perpetual Praise choir. - I joined the Perpet... yes.
It's where I should have been all along.
With the winners.
See you at regionals.
We'll see you, Kim-ydia.
That was so un-Christian of you,
and I have never felt more alive.
Manus.
It's M... Magnus plus anus.
You don't know.
No, it should be "Maynus".
Maynus!
Manhole.
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com